Today was such a peculiar day. The first half was normal and we talked, but towards the close of the day everything just felt awkward. And the worst part is that I don’t know why. I don’t know why sometimes I have the urge to walk far from him, far far away. I don’t know why we’re starting to run out of things to say. I don’t know why looking at him makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why I’m starting to feel so incredibly awkward around him. We’ve had such a blast together over the months and everything felt so perfect and real. But now I feel like all the good things are coming to an end.

Sometimes you talk to me with a burning intensity, our late-night conversations lapse into the early hours of the morning. You talk to me as if I’m the only person in the world who exists, the only one who matters.

Sometimes you talk to me as if I didn’t matter, our quick and evaporating conversations filled with gaps of silence. You talk to me as if I bore you, the one person to avoid.

How do you expect me to just take it if something’s bothering you, and there’s nothing I can do to help? You have every inch of me and I’ll always be here for you but sometimes you don’t even acknowledge that. I feel so useless when I can’t cheer you up, when you just shut down completely and treat me like I won’t understand.

March 19th:

You don’t know how it feels to be waiting for you to reply. It’s a horrible wait that keeps me pacing around my room and burying my face into the pillow. I sent those texts on a whim, hoping that you’d understand that I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens. I won’t ever abandon you, so why are you abandoning me?

You know that feeling where there is an absence of feeling. You cannot feel at all. Everything just seems pointless. And worst of all, is that you cannot do anything about it. Jaded and past the point of hurt, you are left to curl up into a little ball and just lie there. You replay the conversation, you think over the words you said. The words you should have said. You wait for a text, a message, a call. And yet, strangely you don’t feel sad anymore. Because the situation is out of your hands.

January 25th:

So this is the new year. And I don’t feel any different, though I feel scared. Scared because I confessed to you and you said you felt the same way. Scared because when we shared that hug - brief as it was - I became breathless as your arms circled my waist. Scared because my feelings for you are spiraling out of control. Scared because I haven’t kissed you yet, but I always catch myself staring at your lips and just hoping you’d take the hint. You have me tightly wrapped around your finger and you don’t know even know it.